My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
