i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
