I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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