You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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