he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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