Someone shit on the floor
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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