smell my finger.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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