It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
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i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
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My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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