I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
