I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
