dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
