We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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