Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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