my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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