God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
