I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
