My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
