My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
