Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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