end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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