I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
