It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
