Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
