She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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