Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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