You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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