masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Randomize