Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
