I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
