I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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