Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
