wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
