I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
