sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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