Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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