4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
