there's paper in my vomit.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
