Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
