We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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