Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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