just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
