Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
