How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
