so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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