I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
