is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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