Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Randomize
