Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
