we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
