This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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