somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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