I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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