Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Help me help you realize you are a moron
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
