I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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