I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
