I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
