remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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