i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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