Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
