the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
well you can't waste a boner
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
