she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
