i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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