Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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